Not How It Was Supposed to Be: Seasons of Loss and Shadows of Grace in the Journey with Lewy Body Dementia

The world wasn't ready for Gloria Saylor. But God was. The day beautiful green-eyed Gloria came into the world a storm was brewing both off the Texas coast and in her dysfunctional home. Brilliant and more than a tad rebellious, Gloria eventually found her dreams of education and independence would never be realized. The solution? Build a wall of emotional isolation, remaining aloof even from her only child. In Not How It Was Supposed to Be, author Allison Crabtree takes a poignant look at her mom's obsessive and eccentric life, and the complexities of a mother-daughter relationship fraught with tension and disappointment. This deeply personal memoir explores the ripple effects of unfulfilled dreams, generational trauma, and the ways we protect ourselves from further hurt-even when that protection comes at the cost of meaningful connection. Gloria's story is one of a woman caught between her fierce intelligence and the limitations placed on her by circumstance and society. Her daughter Allison chronicles not just the visible struggles-the obsessive behaviors, the emotional distance, the missed opportunities for tenderness-but also the invisible wounds that shaped her mother's choices. Through candid reflection and hard-won understanding, Crabtree reveals how mental illness and unresolved pain can create patterns that echo through families for generations. After a rapid decline and eventual diagnosis of Lewy body dementia, Gloria did not get to write the final chapter of her story. But, true to form, she wrote the final paragraph. As her mother's mind deteriorated, Allison found herself becoming the caregiver she never expected to be, navigating the cruel progression of a disease that strips away memory, personality, and dignity. In the throes of the disease's final horrors, Allison describes one last attempt to convince her mother to call on Jesus. Would she turn to him after a lifetime of feeling too far gone for redemption? And, more importantly, would the savior show up to answer the call? With raw honesty and unexpected moments of grace, Crabtree weaves together memories of her mother's younger years-when Gloria's potential seemed limitless-with the heartbreaking reality of watching that same brilliant mind succumb to disease. The author doesn't shy away from the anger, frustration, and grief that accompanied years of feeling emotionally abandoned by the one person who should have been her closest ally. Yet she also reveals the profound lessons learned in those final, vulnerable moments when pretenses fell away and truth emerged. Not How It Was Supposed to Be is more than a story about dementia or difficult mothers-it's an exploration of what it means to love imperfectly, to forgive incompletely, and to find God's presence in the midst of profound loss. Crabtree's journey from resentful daughter to compassionate caregiver illuminates the possibility of healing even when reconciliation seems impossible. This unflinching memoir offers hope to anyone who has struggled with complicated family relationships, caregiving challenges, or questions about faith and forgiveness in the face of life's most difficult moments. It stands as a testament to the belief that no life is beyond redemption, and that sometimes the most powerful testimonies emerge not from triumph, but from the courage to love through devastating disappointment.