About the Book
Legal gay marriage is still a relatively new phenomenon.
As gay men who are now able to get married, we find ourselves in a bit of a quandary: for many male couples, sex is a lot more important for us than it is for heterosexuals. Two married men often have a stronger desire for sex - wanting more of it and with a wider variety of partners - than married opposite-sex couples. How does this work within the structure of a monogamous marriage? Is an open relationship a better structure for gay marriage?
Assuming that gay marriages will emulate heterosexual marriages is neither a valid nor a helpful assumption. But, as gay men, where does that leave us? There are currently no “rule books” for how a marriage between two men could or should work. While there are lots of books about how to plan your gay wedding, there are virtually none that address what to do after the honeymoon is over (literally and figuratively).
This book fills that void. It offers married gay couples (and gay men considering marriage) an easy-to-follow, practical framework that they can use to help create, adjust and structure their marriages. Using helpful examples and first-hand quotes throughout, Openly-gay psychotherapist Michael Dale Kimmel offers a roadmap for gay men who want to be married but have questions and concerns about monogamy and monotony.
Table of Contents:
Introduction
Section 1: Unique Challenges for Gay Marriages
1: Designing your Marriage
2: Conflict and Competition
3: Redefining Gender-based Roles
4: Soul Mates, Family and Community Support
Section 2: Exploring Open Marriage
5: Sexual Freedom and Expression
6 : Negotiating Jealousy and Insecurity
7: Creating and Adjusting to an Open Marriage
8: Balancing Sexual Expression with Emotional Connection
Section 3: Exploring Monogamy
9: Sex, Monogamy and “The Three-Year Itch”
10: Keeping Monogamy Lively: Balancing Emotional Stability with Spontaneity
11: The Art of Not Merging/How Not to Lose Yourself
Conclusion/Summary
About the Author :
Michael Dale Kimmel, CBT, MSW, LCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice with a long history of creating and facilitating innovative workshops for the gay community. His website – www.lifebeyondtherapy.com - has received over 22,000,000 hits and over 1,500,000 unique visitors since its debut. He has offered workshops for gay communities all over California on topics such as: “Balancing your Heart, Mind and Libido”; “Blame, Revenge and Forgiveness”; “Celebrating our Sexuality”; “Cultivating Self-Esteem”; “Dating with the Buddha”; “Finding and Keeping Your Perfect Partner”; “Gay Sons, Straight Fathers: Acceptance and Healing”; “The Goodboy/Badboy Workshop”; “Monogamy or Open Relationship?”; “Thriving – not just Surviving – in our 40’s, 50’s and Beyond”; “Is Happiness Different for Gay Men?” and “What Do You Do When You’re Not Young and Cute Anymore?” Currently, he writes the “Life Beyond Therapy” column for: Gay San Diego, the Erie Gay News, the Gayzette and The Letter, He has been a consultant on gay-related issues for Southern California news programs over the past decade and, in recent years, has written for publications including: Buzz, Lavender Lens, LGBT Weekly, The Bottom Line, The Gay and Lesbian Times; Counselingmen.com; Expession magazine; Gay News Network; Gayfriendlytherapists.com; Pink News; Positivearticles.com; Pulp; Rage; Sarah Lawrence College Magazine and SDGLN.com (San Diego Gay and Lesbian News).
Review :
This book obviously has some meaning to this reviewer as a gay man in a relationship for nearly 50 years. Many more likely will be written in the future as marriage is reshaped to suit the social and legal standing of straight, gay male, and lesbian relationships. One assumption is that the three categories are separate, and those who identify with a particular one will have different experiences and seek different things from marriage.The format is interesting, with boxes highlighting topics for discussion and thought. The author, a psychotherapist, has also relied on the exchanges in advice columns that he has written over the years, and the text includes some of these letters and his responses. Such stylistic decisions make the book an interesting read and lighter in some ways than might be expected. Summing Up: Recommended. High school through undergraduate students; general readers; professionals/practitioners.
Engaging, candid and filled with insightful practical advice, Kimmel’s The Gay Man's Guide to Open and Monogamous Marriage is a timely, compassionate invitation to challenge cultural norms and forge our own ways of loving.
The Gay Man's Guide to Open and Monogamous Marriage is a valuable look in to the unique challenges that gay male marriages face. Kimmel is refreshingly frank and most importantly, he understands and navigates the nuances of male-male relationships.
For the gay man who's married, going to be married, or in a dating relationship, Michael Dale Kimmel gives an honest, insightful, and fun look at how to make sex, love, conflict, and competition work--both in and out of bed.
A complete guide to what gay men experience in relationships. Finally, a book on sexual relationships, just for us.
Finally, an intelligent, compassionate guide to help navigate the complex waters of sexuality in gay relationships! Filled with insights, secrets, and practical tools, this groundbreaking work will help you forge a path to love and intimacy that truly works for you.
The Gay Man's Guide to Open and Monogamous Marriage is for anyone who is wanting to bring awareness and consciousness to the choices they make in their relationships and having the marriage that they dream of and deserve. Cheers to Michael Dale Kimmel for helping all of us in the gay community better take care of each others hearts.
I actually got emotional about the suggestions Kimmel provided for giving one another time and space to process when things get heated, and apologizing through action if words don’t come as easily. I reflected on how many of my past relationships would have benefited from this simple guide for “double testosterone” conflict resolution. Being right doesn’t mean we win in a relationship. This is one of many crucial points the book illuminates. A great read.
Michael Dale Kimmel offers an unflinchingly honest perspective into the relatively unknown territory of the "Double Testosterone" marriage. As a relationship anthropologist of sorts, Kimmel has excavated the roots of holy matrimony, while trimming away the branches that no longer serve us, allowing the birth of a new age of partnership. A must read for any same-sex couple or individual questioning how & where we can discover our own happily-ever-after.
A smart, thorough, no-judgements guide book to the discussions every gay couple should have (but rarely do) before they even think about ring shopping.
Growing up as the only gay individual in my family (that I know of), it was and still is very easy to fall into a heteronormative sense of self. What Michael illustrates and analyzes so beautifully and meticulously in this book is the beauty and complexity of being different in an institutionalized, heterosexualized world. I only wish this book had come out when I was a young adult to help guide me through some of my past relationships. Being gay is unique and special. And the wealth of experience and knowledge from evident years of practice and research that pours from this book is just that: unique. A definite must read for any man navigating the tricky waters of loving another man. The takeaway for me? There is no one way to do anything. And never be ashamed or afraid to ask for what you want out of love. Because you deserve it.
I'm grateful to be part of the first LGBT generation that reached adulthood knowing gay marriage was a reality. But now what? In this book, Michael Dale Kimmel has provided us with a nuanced look at the question we face next in our evolution: What can our marriages become now that we have them? I recommend this read for any man who's ever dreamt of saying 'I do' to the one they love.
