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Home > Fiction and Literature > Humorous fiction > In Cthulhu We Trust: The Collected Advice of Dear Cthulhu Vol. 8(8 Dear Cthulhu)
In Cthulhu We Trust: The Collected Advice of Dear Cthulhu Vol. 8(8 Dear Cthulhu)

In Cthulhu We Trust: The Collected Advice of Dear Cthulhu Vol. 8(8 Dear Cthulhu)


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About the Book

Betrayed by those closest to you? Think everyone is out to get you? They probably are. To get through life, you need to remember just one thing-In Cthulhu We Trust. Dear Cthulhu, It's me again, the lady who literally loves a duck. I took your advice about trying out men again including going to a bar at last call. I went a few towns over so I wouldn't see anyone who'd recognize me and picked up the best-looking guy still there at three in the morning. He was drunk but could still stumble to my car. He was game, so I took him home. You are right about him being willing to wear a duck mask while we made sexy time. He wasn't Mallard, but it was less complicated and fun. The guy was so drunk his world must have been spinning because he was holding on tight and pumping like he was trying not to fall off of me. I started to scream and moan as things got good and then realized my mistake. I hadn't closed or locked my bedroom door. It turns out Mallard is a very jealous duck. When he entered my bedroom and saw the man in the duck mask on top of me, Mallard flew at his face and started pecking at the mask. The mask spun so the drunk guy couldn't see out the eye holes. He got off me, trying to get away from the feathers of fury attacking him. He ended up tripping over his own boots and smashing his head on my footboard. I took the mask off and checked his neck like you see people do on TV. He had no pulse, so I tried mouth-to-mouth and CPR but Mallard started attacking my face. I ended up having to hide in my closet until my duck calmed down and left the room. I rushed back to the guy but by then it was too late. The guy I'd picked up at the bar was dead. I thought about calling the cops but they put down bears and other animals that kill people and I didn't want them to kill Mallard, so 911 wasn't an option. I had no idea what I should do with the body, but I still hadn't forgiven my ex-boyfriend Donald for all the pain and torture his cheating put me through. I dragged the corpse and put it in my trunk then drove and dumped the dead body in Donald's backyard. No one must've seen me because the cops arrested my ex. The news (I'm in Duluth, Georgia, not Minnesota) says it looks like he's going to take a plea deal to avoid the death penalty. Donald was a total rat bastard but I still feel a tad guilty. Should I send an anonymous letter to the police letting them know they have the wrong guy? I mean I don't want to go to jail but shouldn't I do something? After all, I used to think I was in love with Donald. -Love A Duck Who Killed A Man Dressed As A Duck While We Were Making Love In Duluth Dear Duluth, Penning any sort of correspondence to the authorities will likely not change your ex-boyfriend's fate. District attorneys prefer a sure thing to a convoluted explanation. Worse for you, someone might be curious enough to look into what you wrote. If their investigation uncovers fingerprints or any sort of DNA and you or a family member is in a database, it could lead back to you. You could claim that as his ex-girlfriend you were trying to help but if your cleaning wipes weren't thorough enough, you could have left DNA evidence on the corpse. If they find something on their own and come after you, you might be best to present a defense that your ex was jealous and attacked the dead man after the two of you made love. And because it was a one-night stand and you never exchanged names, you had no idea that you knew the victim who had died.

About the Author :
There's been a debate among certain obscure and drunken literary scholars about whether PATRICK THOMAS was raised by Cthulhu or a leprechaun in a Manhattan bar. What there is no arguing about is that Patrick is the award-winning author of 50+ books including the beloved fantasy humor Murphy's Lore series, the darkly hilarious Dear Cthulhu advice empire, the Bikini Jones series, the Mystic Investigators series, and the creator of the Agents of the Abyss. As Patrick T. Fibbs, he writes middle readers including the Babe B. Bear Mysteries, The Undead Kid Diaries, Joy Reaper Checks Out, the Ughabooz kids' books, and the YA Emotional Support Nightmare. Visit him at www.PatThomas.net and www.PatrickTFibbs.com

Review :
Praise for Dear Cthulhu: "A crazy fun collection...Great Cthulhu dispenses a sardonic brand of advice that will make you giggle and snort with horrified glee...some very funny and dark Q & A's that will have Lovecraft fans shrieking with laughter." - J. L. Comeau, Creature Feature "When Cthulhu approached me to write an advice column for my 'zine, I was a bit skeptical. But how could I to say no to mighty Cthulhu? I mean really, he was mad enough when I told him he could only have one page. But it turned out to be the best page in the entire 'zine. Absolutely. The BEST! Now can I please be released from my enslavement in the blurb mines, oh great one?" -Michael D. Pederson, Publisher/Editor, Nth Degree "FUN." - Nick Cato, THE HORROR FICTION REVIEW "Dear Cthulhu provides the finest advice to needy readers. Lord Cthulhu is the greatest and mightiest provider of guidance for mere mortals. Dear Abby is like unto a flea on His behind in comparison. Dr. Phil is but carbuncle upon one of His mighty appendages. All hail Great Cthulhu, eldest of the Old Ones, and your ONE source for sound advice. If you want to stay out of Arkham Asylum, Dear Cthulhu is your only hope." - Hildy Silverman, Publisher, Space and Time Magazine "As an elder god, Great Cthulhu has the experience to answer the questions that would drive lesser advice columnists to madness, and he does so with a sensitivity that gives one hope for the years of chaos and darkness to come when he rises from the depths." -David Lee Summers, Editor Tales of the Talisman Magazine and author of Owl Dance. "Dear Cthulhu is the first step toward enlightenment, by way of electro-convulsive therapy. I've been reading Dear Cthulhu for years! The doctors say I may never recover. Dear Cthulhu is better than a sandblaster to your crotch and twice as fun!" -Michael Amorel, Publisher Cthulhu Sex Magazine "More action-packed than Jerry Springer re-runs, yet safer than being aboard a train wreck. This is sofa therapy at its best... Dear Cthulhu has singlehandedly upset entire sects of people in South America... "How was I supposed to know that it was unhealthy to sleep with a C.H.U.D.? No one gives better advice or dishes it so real as Dear Cthulhu..." - Samantha "edie" Collins, editor of Dig This Real magazine "Basically it's a Dear Abby for the Mythos-addicted, and it's meant to be a quick and fun read - which it is." - Nancy Greene, Flames Rising


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Product Details
  • ISBN-13: 9781958310113
  • Publisher: Padwolf Publishing
  • Publisher Imprint: Padwolf Publishing
  • Height: 229 mm
  • No of Pages: 100
  • Returnable: N
  • Returnable: N
  • Spine Width: 6 mm
  • Weight: 195 gr
  • ISBN-10: 1958310115
  • Publisher Date: 07 Oct 2025
  • Binding: Paperback
  • Language: English
  • Returnable: N
  • Returnable: N
  • Series Title: 8 Dear Cthulhu
  • Sub Title: The Collected Advice of Dear Cthulhu Vol. 8
  • Width: 152 mm


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