Being with Others: Curses, spells and scintillations

Many of our significant relationships are based not on trust, respect and growth but on an unconscious compulsion to deny our own problems, flaws and fears. We see the consequences at home and at work, where we repeat the same mistakes and act out familiar patterns of behaviour with our partners, friends and colleagues in ways that leave us stressed and unhappy. In 'Being with Others', psychotherapist and business psychologist Nelisha Wickremasinghe explores how it is impossible to build relationships based on openness, trust and respect when our brains and bodies are in threat. Following on from her acclaimed book Beyond Threat she unravels why so many of us are often in threat, and how we can overcome these feelings to find freedom, authenticity and forgiveness in our relationships. In Being with Others we learn how: * We are cursed by our ability to think and remember, and by the dictates of culture, family and own conflicted characters. ​* Unconsciously, we cast ‘spells’ – in the form of psychological defences – to try to rid ourselves of these curses.​ * Our most trusted spell is the belief that magical ‘Others’ – partners, children, celebrities, gurus or gods – can heal, protect and save us ​* Spells don’t work… and how we can free ourselves from our curses. 'Being with Others' shows us how to recognise our curses, cast off the spells and use four different Perception Practices to wake up to the scintillations of insight that can deepen our relationships. It is an invitation to reclaim our imagination, intuition and bodies from the grip of the powerful emotions of our threat brain. It is a book for all of us who want to grow richer relationships with others and our own selves. ​

Table of Contents:
Part One: Curses Introduction Curses Blessings The spell of the Big O Submission Doubt Staying curious Reading 1. Curses, emotions and threat brain The consequences of an over-active threat brain Behaviour starts in the body 2. The curse of consciousness Self-reflection Worry and rumination Distraction and obliteration Beyond consciousness 3. The curse of memory Our vigilant brain Memory and the unconscious Memory and consciousness Memory and learning 4. The curse of character Nature, nurture and calling Dependency and shame 5. The curse of the family Relational dances Disconfirmation Double binds Collusion Parental projection Affect, power and meaning From the family to the cultural dance 6. The curse of culture Culture as collective habits Gendered beliefs Rationalism and Descartes’ error Individualism and the demise of context Reflections on Part One Venturing forth Part Two: Spells Introduction The neurobiology of spells The Big Os To submit or to dominate? The ingredients of a spell Compassionate awareness 1. Lovers The parental imago The misinterpretation of emotion Projection - meeting our unconscious in romantic love 2. Children Reproduction – a creative, transcendental act? Thy mother’s glass – parental projection revisited Children as symbols of lost innocence The construction of childhood Children and the cultural curse Big O love and overparenting Disinterested love 3. Charismatics What is charisma? Charismatics as transference objects Charismatics and alienation Charismatics and the cultural curse Charismatics and toxic drive 4. Groups The impulse to sociability Destructive affiliation Collective narcissism Herds Hordes Brilliant following 5. Imaginals Belief as subjective reality Fantasies Introjection The Inner Critic Reflections on Part Two Part Three: Scintillations 1. Freedom Utopia – freedom from Re-orientating – freedom with Scintillations and the growth of consciousness 2. Perception Practices Practice One: Returning to centre Practice Two: Receptivity – noticing our scintillations Practice Three: Hermeneutic inquiry Practice Four: The inward turn 3. Being with others Self-creating Indifference Beyond thou Epilogue Coda Bibliography Glossary Index

About the Author :
Dr Nelisha Wickremasinghe is a psychologist, entrepreneur, educator and international leadership/organisational change consultant who has worked in the field of human development for 25 years. She has postgraduate degrees in psychology and family therapy, a Master’s in public sector management and a Master’s and Doctorate in organisational change. Her work at the boundary of psychotherapeutic practice and management development has taken her across the globe to support organisations like Fujitsu, Thomas Cook, Amec Foster Wheeler, Nielsen, Lloyds Banking Group, Aviva and BT to develop their leaders and implement complex change. She also developed and ran a successful organic food business and restaurant and, for ten years, was clinical and management lead in mental health and social care services. Dr Wickremasinghe works internationally with large corporates teaching and consulting on healthy growth. As part of her corporate practice, Nelisha is currently an Associate Fellow at Oxford University’s Saïd Business School where she facilitates sessions for business leaders on the neurobiology of personal and team resilience. She is Founding Director of The Dialogue Space, which provides unconventional, whole-person facilitation and coaching for individuals, groups and organisations. Her professional practice combines brain science and developmental psychology to develop individual, team and system resilience. The concepts and applications in this book have grown out of her personal experience, professional practice and doctoral research and draw on many conversations with groups and individuals working in diverse organisational contexts.