Tonee: Life with Disassociative Identity Disorder

The purpose of this book is to honor my wife, Tonee Becker, a beautiful and brilliant woman whose compassion and style flavored my days with steady surprise. Tonee lived with internal trauma since childhood, creating her life of struggles with anxiety and depression and eating disorders. Her Disassociative Identity Disorder was with her from her youth. It took her a long time to realize everyone did not have such internal discussions. Her multiple personalities were a wide blend of age and mood and purpose. She flexed these beautiful girls in and out of her days and nights, mostly unknown to the world.I admire the courage and passion which she wore with grace. Living with Tonee was not an easy time, but I never lost my love and almost never could I be angry towards her, regardless of the behavior. Tonee had a quick anger button, her easy response, but it was her love and caring that made our days together my pleasure.Tonee was a well educated, hard working woman of great principle. She knew every word in the dictionary by definition and blended them into her speech with impeccable grammar. She was conversant in English, German, and Yiddish. She knew her Jewish and Christian bibles very well. Despite her many internal issues, Tonee had survived her days before we met when we were both in our fifties.I loved the different voices and personalities she threw at me, sometimes changing in the rapid blinking of her eyes. I was always amazed at the flexibility of her face and manners as she lived the moment so many years younger than her present. Sometimes, when I watched her sleep, I could see the beauty of a young girl dreaming, her face and expressions smoothing to adolescence and childhood.The years of eating disorders and alcohol abuse and depression and anxiety wore Tonee down. The last few years we had together were a time of increasing physical illness. Through all her physical and emotional trials, Tonee held herself with incredible composure, repeatedly rebounding with ferocity. Tonee and I had a great love, the kind of caring that can make up for so many years of isolation and loneliness. No level of mental illness or physical damage stopped Tonee for very long. She always fought back, walking by my side, husband and wife.Tonee always had a compassion for the crazy people in this world. She said there was an unspoken recognition of each other, an empathy. She thought that was how we first were attracted. There is a terrible edge between brilliance and anxiety, a close walk so many of us make each day with the silent knowledge that insanity can be just a step away.Tonee, my love, thank you for the amazing times we lived together.