Self-Compassion For Dummies

Become your own best friend and reap the life-changing benefits!  Being kind to yourself might sound simple, but self-compassion can change your life dramatically (and most of us are WAY kinder to others than to ourselves)  Self-Compassion For Dummies will help you discover self-critical thoughts and self-defeating behaviors that are holding you back from fulfilling your potential and explore how you can learn to work around these things to find your way to more joy and satisfaction. We often think being hard on ourselves will help motivate us to be better people, but Dr. Steven Hickman’s review of the research finds that just the opposite is true. When you learn to love and appreciate yourself completely (as an imperfect human with messy feelings and uncomfortable thoughts), you free yourself up to achieve great things. This book will show you how!  Befriending yourself and coping mindfully with the challenges of everyday life is easy with this practical guide. You’ll learn how to give yourself a taste of your own medicine by turning understanding, acceptance, and love—stuff you already do for others all the time—inward.   Discover the research behind self-compassion and learn how it can help you face your insecurities and life a fuller life as a result  Cultivate feelings of self-worth, acceptance, and love for someone who really deserves it—you!   Explore the potential of self-compassion to address self-criticism, perfectionism, shame, self-doubt, anxiety, and anger  Work through evidence-based exercises and practices to easily master the art of self-compassion as a daily way of being and not just an esoteric exercise  Now more than ever, we need to offer support and love to ourselves. Thankfully, this is a skill we can all develop with a little help from Self-Compassion For Dummies. 

Table of Contents:
Introduction 1 About This Book 1 Foolish Assumptions 2 Icons Used in This Book 3 Beyond the Book 3 Where to Go from Here 4 Part 1: Getting Started with Self-Compassion 5 Chapter 1: Exploring Self-Compassion 7 Befriending Yourself: A Splendid New Relationship 8 Understanding Self-Compassion 10 Compassion at the core 10 Mindfulness 12 Common humanity 13 Self-kindness 13 Looking at the Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion 14 “Yin-sights” 16 “Yang-sights” 18 Balancing soothing and strong 20 Asking the Fundamental Question of Self-Compassion 21 Introducing the Mindful Self-Compassion Program 21 Practice: The Self-Compassion Break 23 Inquiring: What arose for you when you took a Self-Compassion Break? 24 Chapter 2: Enjoying the Benefits of Self-Compassion 27 What Science Says about Self-Compassion 28 Measuring how compassionate you really are toward yourself 28 Emotional well-being 31 The self-compassion trap 32 Exploring the Physiology of Self-Criticism and Self-Compassion 35 The brain we share with our ancestors 36 Being a mammal and “the cuddle hormone” 39 Activating our instincts with soothing touch 42 Addressing Your Doubts about Self-Compassion 44 The five most common misgivings 46 Letting your experience be the deciding factor 51 Chapter 3: The Self-Compassion Road Ahead 53 Why Self-Compassion Isn’t Always Easy 54 Getting the Most Out of This Practice 56 Having the spirit of an adventurer 57 Being a self-compassion scientist 58 Being willing to be a slow learner and your own best teacher 60 If it’s a struggle, it’s not self-compassion 61 Building Resilience Through Courageous Self-Compassion 62 Courage and safety: A winning combination 63 What you resist, persists 64 What you feel, you can heal 66 The Four Noble Truths: A Buddhist Perspective on Being Human 69 First noble truth: Suffering exists 70 Second noble truth: The cause of suffering 70 Third noble truth: The end of suffering 71 Fourth noble truth: The path to relief of suffering 71 Finding What You Need to Feel Safe and Courageous 72 Opening and closing to adjust your “dosage” 75 Finding your sweet spot of tolerance 77 The experience of belonging and deserving 79 The Compassionate Friend Meditation 81 Practicing the meditation 82 Inquiring: What was it like to find your compassionate part? 83 Chapter 4: Discovering Mindfulness in Self-Compassion 85 Minding the Facets of Mindfulness 86 The Body: Your Constant Companion 88 Considering how you treat your body 89 Anchoring your attention 89 Practice: Compassionate mindfulness of the body 91 The big deal about the breath 94 Practice: Affectionate breathing 95 Feelings: Love ’em or Hate ’em, We All Have Them 97 Unpacking pleasant and unpleasant moments 98 Developing the capacity to recognize feelings 100 Minding the “Weather” of the Mind 101 The power of language when working with the mind 102 Is the dog walking you? 102 Mental Objects: Often Arising, Sometimes Helpful 105 A little less color and a little more play-by-play 106 Five obstacles and how to RAIN on their parade 107 A word about practicing mindfulness 110 Part 2: Traveling on the Self-Compassion Journey 111 Chapter 5: Common Humanity: Connection and Belonging 113 The Inescapable Truth: We Need Each Other 114 Acknowledging Our Universal Human Need 118 Survival equals love 119 What arises if we feel unloved or unlovable? 120 Three common blocks to embracing your common humanity 123 Starting small with common humanity 126 Two Tasks to Embrace Common Humanity 127 Claiming your human birthrights 127 Avoiding the perils of perfection 128 Practice: Just Like Me 130 Just Like Me meditation 130 Inquiring: What was it like to see how others are just like you? 132 Chapter 6: Cultivating Your Innate Kindness 133 We All Just Want to Be Happy 134 Investing in Your Capacity to Be Kind 136 Practice: Lovingkindness for a Loved One 137 Inquiring: What was it like to cultivate kindness? 139 Backdraft: When you experience the unexpected 140 What if you practiced and felt absolutely nothing? 144 What if you practiced lovingkindness and felt great? 145 Oh, the Places You’ll Go with Lovingkindness! 146 Chapter 7: How Kindness Transforms in the Fire of Life 149 Awakening Your Heart and Opening Your Eyes 150 Beginning the exercise 151 Turning your kindness inward 152 Directing compassion toward the other 152 Making a compassionate U-turn 153 Inquiring into the exercise and being patient 154 Remembering that goodwill serves as the common thread 154 Weathering Our Own “Storms” of Suffering 156 Knowing that we are suffering 157 It all begins with mindfulness 158 Common humanity: What to do with awareness 160 Exploring What We Need in a Moment of Suffering 160 Including ourselves in the circle of our compassion 161 Practice: Finding lovingkindness phrases 164 Inquiring: What was it like to offer yourself what you truly need? 166 Part 3: The Heartfelt Power of Self-Compassion 169 Chapter 8: Discovering Core Values: Your Inner Compass 171 Core Values Guide Us and “Re-Mind” Us 172 Finding meaning through core values 173 Your core values determine your experience 174 The relationship between core values and suffering 175 Some who wander are, indeed, lost 176 Practice: Uncovering your core values 177 Inquiring: What was it like to discover your core values? 180 Translating values into action 181 Dark Nights and Dark Clouds: Wisdom Gleaned from Life’s Challenges 182 Seasoning in the stew 183 How failure and hardship teach us 184 Exercise: Silver linings and golden gifts 185 Inquiring: Were you able to identify a silver lining? 186 Chapter 9: Dancing with the Inner Critic and Making Change 187 The Inner Critic: Self-Monitoring Gone Haywire 189 Living with your own worst critic 190 Exploring the function of an inner critic 192 A note on the malicious inner critic 194 The devious inner trickster 195 Changing Your Relationship with Your Inner Critic 196 How our attempts to manage the critic are doomed 197 Thoughts are not facts, and our critic is not us 198 The surprising motive of your inner critic 199 Practice: Compassionate motivation for making change 201 Inquiring: What did you discover? 205 Chapter 10: Encountering Difficult Emotions 207 Where Are You Now? Stages of Self-Compassion Progress 208 The early stage: Striving 209 The “muddy middle” of disillusionment 210 The bearable lightness of radical acceptance 211 A brief reflection to find where you are 212 The Practice of Meeting Your Emotions 213 “This being human is a guest house” 214 Your attitude matters 215 Finding hidden value in difficult emotions 216 The Five Stages of Encountering Emotions 220 Resisting: Slamming the door 221 Exploring: Peering through the peephole 222 Tolerating: Setting your limits 223 Allowing: Letting go 224 Befriending: Sitting down to tea 226 Chapter 11: Finding Tools for Working with Feelings 227 Mindfulness Tools for Meeting Emotions 228 Name it and you can tame it 229 Feel it and you can heal it 230 Self-compassion tools for strong emotions 231 Putting it all into practice: Soften, Soothe, and Allow 233 Inquiring: What did you notice about working with your emotion in this way? 236 Shame: The Most Challenging Emotion of All 237 The three paradoxes of shame 239 What underlies the phenomenon of shame? 241 Practice: Self-Compassion Break for Shame 243 Inquiring: How was it to work with shame in this way? 245 Part 4: Turning Challenge into Opportunity 247 Chapter 12: Transforming Challenging Relationships 249 Connection as the Foundation for Human Life 250 Practice: Giving and receiving compassion 252 Inquiring: What was it like to share your compassion? 254 Anger: The Pain of Feeling or Fearing Disconnection 254 When anger serves us 256 When anger harms us 256 Meeting anger with self-compassion 257 Practice: Meeting Unmet Needs 260 Inquiring: What did you discover? 263 When Being Connected to Others Hurts 264 How and why connection can hurt 264 Burnout and the myth of “compassion fatigue” 267 Practice: Compassion with Equanimity 269 Inquiring: What stood out for you? 272 Chapter 13: Forgiving Without Forgetting 273 Twelve Principles of Forgiveness 274 The Self-Compassionate Path of Forgiveness 275 Practice: Five Steps to Forgiveness 276 Inquiring: How was it to begin to forgive? 278 Chapter 14: Cultivating a Sense of Belonging 281 Putting Your “Whole Self In” 282 Your identities describe you but need not define you 284 Humans are relentless evaluators 285 The Power of Belonging 286 How you resemble an iceberg 288 Reflection: Naming your identity iceberg 289 Practice: This, Too Meditation 291 Inquiring: How was it to greet your identities? 293 Chapter 15: Overcoming Our Ancient Brains: Opening to the Good 295 Making Room for Joy 296 The Teflon Versus Velcro Conundrum: Accurately Appraising Experience 298 Cultivating Happiness by Embracing Your Life 299 Savor the flavor of life 300 Gratitude and well-being 302 Who have you missed? Appreciating our own selves 305 Part 5: The Part of Tens 309 Chapter 16: Ten Paths for Further Practice and Study 311 The Center for Mindful Self-Compassion 311 Three Core Books on Self-Compassion 312 Self-Compassion-Based Retreats 313 Community of Practice 313 Websites, Audio, Apps, and Other Technology 314 CDP: Deepening Your Practice Beyond MSC 315 Fierce Self-Compassion 315 Self-Compassion for Kids and Teens 315 Self-Compassionate Parenting 316 The Best Self-Compassion Resource Ever 316 Chapter 17: Ten Tips for Keeping Up Your Practice of Self-Compassion 319 You Don’t Have to Do Them All 320 Furry Friends Are the Best 321 The Self-Compassion Workout Approach 321 Cultivate a Base of Kindness 322 It’s Better Together 322 Everybody Must Get Stones 323 Practice Behavioral Self-Compassion 323 Cultivate Gratitude in Connection 324 Be Willing to Start Again and Again 325 If It’s a Struggle, It’s Not Self-Compassion 325 Chapter 18: Ten Ways Self-Compassion Can Improve Your Relationships 327 Finding Out What They Need 328 Adopting a Shared Road Map 329 Reversing the Downward Spiral 330 Giving and Receiving Compassion to and from Your Partner 331 Savoring Each Other 331 Maintaining Your Relationship to the One in the Mirror 332 Making Room for Humor and Joy 333 Being Better Together but Good Apart Too 333 Finding Shared Lovingkindness Phrases 334 Deepening Through Training in Self-Compassion 335 Chapter 19: Ten Pocket Self-Compassion Practices for Busy People 337 Use the Smallest Unit of Self-Compassion 338 Find Your Feet 338 Listen to Self-Compassion 339 Find Self-Compassion in a SNAP 339 Catch the Fleeting Moments and Transitions 340 Pinpoint the Unmet Need 340 Maintain Connection Despite Busyness 341 Really Connect with the People You Meet 342 Remember What’s Going on Here, with Me 342 Exercise the “Beautiful No” 343 Index 345

About the Author :
Steven Hickman, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist; retired Associate Clinical Professor, University of California at San Diego School of Medicine; and Executive Director of the non-profit Center for Mindful Self-Compassion. He has trained hundreds of teachers of mindfulness and compassion-based programs and is highly regarded as a speaker, teacher, and author.