You Can't Say That to Me: Stopping the Pain of Verbal Abuse--An 8- Step Program

You can't say that to me! "Can't you do anything right?" "I can'tbelieve you would feed that junk to your child!" "What is this? Anddon't tell me it's a casserole, I already know that." "If youreally cared about me, you wouldn't behave this way." Soundfamiliar? Each of us occasionally feels the sting of veryunpleasant language from those who are closest to us--spouses,employers, friends, relatives. But frequent and repeated use ofunanswerable questions, scalding accusations, sarcasm,insinuations, and even icy silence is more than simply unpleasant;it is abusive, destructive, and frequently leads to escalatingarguments and physical violence. Suzette Haden Elgin, creator ofthe "Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense," has developed a unique andrevolutionary way to break the cycle of verbal violence andeliminate it from your life--without ruining your marriage, riskingyour job, or alienating friends or loved ones. Dr. Elgin shows youhow to neutralize verbal attacks and discourage future abusewith: * An 8-step program that helps you recognize the patterns of verbalabuse * Specific language techniques that enable you to avoid escalatingarguments and break the cycle of abuse using skills you alreadypossess * Questionnaires and diaries that help you analyze abusivesituations, evaluate your responses to them, and track yourprogress In this book Dr. Elgin proves that verbal abuse is not caused byhuman nature, but by language. She helps you discover that you arean expert in your own language, already highly qualified to solvethis problem for yourself, quickly and forever.

Table of Contents:
How to use this Book xv Introduction 1 Why do we put up with it? 3 Your Personal Verbal Abuse Survey 6 Step 1: Recognizing the source of the problem 9 Scenario One 9 What’s going on here? 9 What goes wrong – and why? 13 What to do about it: Using Miller’s Law 17 Dialogues for analysis 19 Another look at Scenario One 21 Step 1 Backup 25 Sight Bites 29 Step 2: Recognizing the source of the solution 31 Scenario Two 31 What’s going on here? 32 The Basics – Defining our terms 34 What to do about it: Awareness 43 Another look at Scenario Two 49 Step 2 Backup 52 Sight Bites 54 Step 3: Recognizing that you already have everything you need to put an end to verbal violence in your life 56 Scenario Three 56 What’s going on here? 58 The grammar of verbal violence 67 What to do about it: choosing your communication strategy 68 Another look at Scenario Three 71 Step 3 Backup 75 Sight Bites 80 Step 4: Recognizing that you are an expert in your language 81 Scenario Four 81 What’s going on here? 83 You are an expert in your language 85 What to do about it: giving up the myths about verbal abuse 89 Another look at Scenario Four 91 Step 4 Backup 95 Sight Bites 102 Step 5: Understanding the two goals of verbal self-defense 104 Scenario Five 104 What’s going on here? 106 Why it matters: The link between verbal and physical violence 108 What to do about it: Recognizing abusive language 110 Another look at Scenario Five 116 Step 5 Backup 119 Sight Bites 122 Step 6: Deciding never to participate in verbal violence – and following through 125 Scenario Six 125 What’s going on here? 127 The problem of following through 129 What to do about it: Dealing with English verbal attack patterns 137 Another look at Scenario Six 140 Step 6 Backup 143 Sight Bites 146 Step 7 Maintaining your own healthy language environment 147 Scenario Seven 147 What’s going on here? 148 Language behavior is contagious 149 What to do about it: Using the Satir modes 151 Another look at Scenario Seven 160 Step 7 Backup 162 Sight Bites 167 Step 8: Taking responsibility for your own language and its consequences 168 Scenario Eight 168 What’s going on here? 169 What to do about it: Taking responsibility 171 One more technique: Following the language traffic rules 173 Another look at Scenario eight 177 Step 8 Backup 182 Sight Bite 183 Conclusion 185 The unifying metaphor in verbal abuse 186 What to do about it 186 Sight Bites 192 Bibliography 193 Index to backup material 203 Index 205

About the Author :
SUZETTE HADEN ELGIN, Ph.D., is an expert in applied psycholinguistics and the founder of the Ozark Center for Language Studies. She is the author of eight "Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" titles, including Genderspeak: Men, Women, and the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, also published by Wiley. She lives with her family near Huntsville, Arkansas.